Talent management. Those two little words make every HR professional both proud and mildly terrified. On one hand, it’s the sacred art of finding the right people, shaping them into the ideal workforce, and ensuring that they remain as engaged as toddlers at a candy store. On the other hand, it’s a never-ending rollercoaster of awkward interviews, unpredictable office personalities, and constant recalibration of expectations. You see, talent management isn’t just a department—it’s a journey. And like any epic quest, it’s fraught with challenges, missteps, and occasionally, heroic moments of brilliance.

Chapter 1: The Search for the Unicorn Employee

In the beginning, there was a job description. It was perfect. It was beautiful. It was a masterpiece of vague corporate jargon meant to attract the “right” candidates. You know the type: someone who is a “strategic visionary,” “nimble in execution,” and can “leverage synergies.” Ideally, this candidate would have 15 years of experience, a double PhD, and the social skills of a Golden Retriever puppy. But alas, the world is not so kind.

After posting the job online, your inbox fills with resumes from all manner of creatures, each with its own unique approach to qualifications. First, there’s the “resume wizard” who’s clearly using a premade template that has absolutely nothing to do with the job description. They claim to have a “track record of success in the art of consulting ecosystems,” which you suspect may be code for “I once gave advice to my cousin about his landscaping business.”

Then, there’s the “overachiever.” This candidate has 27 years of experience and seems to have single-handedly revolutionized 12 different industries. Their references include Steve Jobs (who passed away five years ago), Elon Musk (who once liked their LinkedIn post), and a former intern who briefly worked in their department.

And let’s not forget the “mystery candidate,” who submitted a resume with only one line of text: “I am the one.” No other information, just a hyperlink to a mysterious, empty YouTube video titled “Watch to Understand.” It’s got 3 views. Intriguing.

The interview process itself is no less chaotic. You’ve prepared a series of deep, insightful questions meant to uncover a candidate’s inner workings. Instead, you end up asking, “So, tell me about a time when you were really, really good at working with others,” to which the candidate replies, “Well, I once managed a group of 10 people. We were working in a warehouse. There was a fire, and I’m not sure how we all got out, but I think it was teamwork.”

At the end of the interview, you’re left with a single thought: What does “talent” even mean anymore?

Chapter 2: Onboarding: Or How to Turn a Perfectly Normal Person into a Corporate Robot